Wives, Girlfriends or BOTH?

Who do ya blame? The player or the GAME?

Who do ya blame? The player or the GAME?

In the midst of Jack Straws ‘timely’ plan of blaming Pakistani culture for the problem of grooming in recent cases around the North West and Midlands, Muslim youth groups in Rochdale were already discussing the underlying factors which lead to this behaviours many years back.

Rochdale Youth ran a series titled “Thug Life” in Summer 2007 which addressed these topics first hand and directly on this issue of sleeping around in their talk titled “Wives, Girlfriends or simply BOTH?”

So what are the real factors which lead to such behaviours? Read on.

Wives, Girlfriends or BOTH?

When I was 5 years old know one knew of MTV. There were just the standard four channels. We were restricted in terms of what we watched. Every time there was a kissing scene or a scene where a guy and a gyal hold hands or cuddle we all ran for the remote control to change the channel.

We were even wary of watching cartoons like Thundercats because ‘Cheetarah’ wore unsuitable clothing. We wouldn’t watch that in front of mum and dad. Morning programmes like Saved by the bell were sometime a no no when the stars in the show hugged and sometime even smooched.

High School

As we grew up and started high school we changed our taste in TV programmes. We became more aware of things like the A-team, films like the Rocky series, Rambo Films, Robocop, Terminator etc. Even then, we still never watched them in front of our folks. It was bad. Watching a two people hug or kiss was like the end of the world. It wasn’t seen anywhere in our communities. You’d never see people walking the street s doing this.

At school if you had to sit next to a girl you’d be the brunt of the jokes from all your class. You’d never hear the end of it!

Then as your going through High school things start to change. You start to notice when a girl has changed her hair, or she’s wearing lipstick. You start focussing a lot more on the way women are looking. Yes that’s right, women, not just girls. So you start fancying that good looking Art teacher, or the youngish librarian, even though she’s at least twice your age.

And you want to start chatting to the girls. You like the attention. You start talking about which girls the ‘fittest’ and who has the ‘best curves’.

You start wanting chat to the girl who’s sat on your left rather than chat to your bets mate who’s sat on your right- the guys you’ve always chatted to since you started hi school.

And then you hear about Nads checking Samera, or even Rehan trying to pull Jenny, and your thinking, if your listening to the girl that’s telling you the gossip and saying if only ud say yes

You go home put on your Bollywood tracks, and start to think about the ifs n buts about you an Aisha. And you decide your gonna pop the question. The next day your at school and you got the butterflies in your belly, and you tell her, she’s a bit embarrassed but she smiles and she says yes.

So you got a gyal. And you love going for a walk on the school field. If you’re really lucky u mite hold hands or get a cuddle. Rehan’s been ‘touchin up’ his gyal, Nads slept with his gyal and when your homies ask you, u grin and you say

ahh you know ive had my moments’

and now you’re the MAN.


You’ve not even realised and your school times over, your in college in sept but u n your gyal r heading 2 diff colleges.  The problems start.

You only see your gyal twice a week now. She can’t get out late coz her folks wont let her, so you seen her when you got Wednesday afternoons off and maybe on the weekend. But you wanna see her more.

Then all of a sudden you meet Sana. She’s been in your IT and she wants some help. There’s a problem. You’re supposed to meet Aisha, but Sana’s really buff, and it’d be kool to spend some time with her.

Oh Aisha, sorry I cant make it today, coz I gotta do some IT work with a friend… yeh.. yeh… il see you on sat anyways… yes (mumble I miss u 2)”


So Aisha on the back foot and Sana priority. After work your chatting and you tell Sana “Yeah I’m single or… im with sum1 but it’s not working” blah blah blah. Soon you got two on the go!! I mean Aisha… that jus a high school crush eh, it was never serious, but u don’t know how to tell her.  But it’s ok they in diff area codes so technically that’s not cheating.

Your boys are like

“wow man, you got two on the go, how you do it man?”

Well you know the girls jus love me, treat em mean keep em keen

You’re now the hustler, the player,


Soon its uni. You’re living away, and you’re in the big city, and all you see on fresher’s week is invitations to gigs, clubs, pubs, and parties. In your halls, the girls in the next room comes round knocking on your door,

“Hi Im Katie, some of us are going out tonight to the SU, u wanna come with us”

“Nah but I don’t drink”

“Don’t worry, you can have soft drinks, well have a good time”

So your in the SU. Everyone’s drinking, some have just taken drugs, the girls are looking hot, not like your Desi gyals your used to, low cut tops, short skirts, backless tops, and all looking to meet new friends. Katie’s looking really really HOT. You’re dancing away touchin her up, having a good time.

So she’s a little drunk… u help back and escort her to her room… she closes the door behind you. You wake in the morning with Katie, and you check your phone and you got missed calls and messages from both Sana and Aisha.  But who cares! Your having the time of your life. You’ve got women offering it like free air and no strings attached. Forget Sana and Aisha! don’t need em!

At the end of fresher’s week you’ve slept with 4 different girls, but its kool coz the uni’s giving out bags (condoms) so there’s no repercussions, jus pure pleasure. You’re living this lifestyle. Before u know it the 3 or 4 years at Uni are up. You got a whole portfolio of women under your belt.

Working Man

But things have got to change now. Your working and gonna have to settle down, get a wife etc etc. So you’re thinking like a Bollywood/Hollywood superstar. Your gonna meet this attractive women, she’s really intelligent, good job, dresses smart, drives a nice car and ur gonna marry her n live happily ever after!

F our years on and you realise uv not met her.  Lisa wouldn’t get on with your family, Zaynab has a history with other guys, Sobia is divorced and has a child with the previous hubby and Iram has a messed up family.

So you wanna do the ‘Stani’ thing n go home for a wifey. Someone who will cook, clean, look after your family and ask you no questions, especially when you’re out late at the clubs, spending night away from home, probably with other women.

So that’s a typical hustler.


I see people there who thinking, that’s not me! well reality check! If you’re not the out n out hustler, then you’re the high school Ashiq who cane a Bollywood film a night and write poetry for this queen of your dreams that you’ve never really me, the hopeless romantic that practices filmy dialogues just in case he needs to bust some lines. Lovely fantasy!

Now I have a few questions on my mind. The youth all laugh when I say this, but why do they do it then. They laugh at the primary school kid who runs for the remote when someone’s about to kiss on screen. They laugh at the high school kid who has a crush on his teacher, or just goes for a stroll on the field and when the girl says ‘honey im cold’ he says “here take my gloves”.

And they laugh at the colleges student who uses studies to pull sum gyal, and meets up with her away from his mates, in case they don’t think she pretty.

They laugh at the uni student who sleeps around wherever his private parts take him, even if its to some tart that’s already slept 5 others that week, or even to a prostitute on campus coz he didn’t pull that night.

And we laugh at the guys who ends up with aids coz he slept with a gyal who’s also played the field.

But it stops very soon. It stops when this chick you’ve known for two days end up pregnant and you want her to have an abortion. Almost 200,000 abortions take place on a yearly basis. Almost a quarter of the total pregnancies.

They tell you to

‘hate the game not the player’

but people will beat the living daylights out of the guy that that played their sister. N it’s not just the game they hate when their sister comes home with AIDs or some other STD or when she’s carrying someone’s child in her belly, because the guy was just ‘playing a game’.

And we don’t laugh when the girl that’s raped by someone who thinks its ok to stick his thing in anything he finds, especially when that girl is someone close to you.

One in five women in Britain have been sexually abused at some point in their life time because of this culture. 1 in 5! Today there are 45 people sat here. Each one of us probably has at least a mother and a sister in the house. That would mean about 16 women just from the women in our immediate families! I see no one laughing no more!

Where are we getting these ideas from?

This culture which we find visible everywhere in British Society today pushes the boundaries and teases us just cos u might still be a virgin. Everything is sexualised! It’s all out about being that image, scoring with the girls (and in many cases guys now too!).

Do you know how many of our generation use brothels and massage parlours? On a regular basis? Do you know that there are 16 year old youths sharing a woman in freehold flats?

Do you know that our local youth have been caught doing such things in public? In cars! On park benches! Behind bushes!

Whose gonna be the next victim of this game? Your sister or mine?

It is the culture that is around us today which tells us your free and enjoy yourself- Don’t look back, have no regrets, run on ur instincts, do what YOU really wanna do, and simply make the most of your life, “you only live once!”


These are the messages that we find everywhere around us. And everyone’s buzzing off it until they’ve chased that dream and become victims of it!

Broken hearts, used and abused, passed around, cheated, molested, honour taken away, feelings crushed and broke from the inside.

So is it right to blame the player alone or is it the Game that we point fingers to?

Islam- the Only way forward!

Guys, Islam can only save us from this lifestyle!

We as Muslims must remember that we have a next life after this life! Whatever we do here we’ll find out what we got for it when we die. We should visualise these rewards and punishments in the hereafter before we plan to play around. This is what will protect us from falling into these sins.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ warned both men and women of the consequences of their actions. Abu Hurayrah reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “When a person commits fornication there goes out of him the Iman (belief) and it hovers like a canopy over his head and when he quits this act the Iman reverts to him again.” [Tirmidhi & Abu Dawud]

Shakl ibn Humayd went to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and said, “Apostle of Allah, teach me a supplication (du’a).” He ﷺ  replied, “Say: O Allah, I seek refuge in you from the evil of what I hear, from the evil of what I see, from the evil of what I speak, from the evil of what I think, and from the evil of my semen.” [Abu Dawud] ‘Ubadah ibn al-Samit narrated that the Messenger of Allah  said,

‘Ubadah ibn al-Samit narrated that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said “If you guarantee me six things on your part I shall guarantee you Paradise. Speak the truth when you talk, keep a promise when you make it, when you are trusted with something fulfil your trust, avoid sexual immorality, lower your eyes, and restrain your hands from injustice.” [Ahmad and Baihaqi in Shu’ab al-Iman]

Around us in Western societies its common for guys to eye out women top to bottom with lust who they are not married to. Islam has forbidden this. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The adultery of the eyes is the sight, the adultery of the tongue is the talk, and the inner self wishes, desires and the private parts testify all this or deny it.” [Bukhari]

Clearly, we can see that Islam is the complete opposite to the Culture which is promoted in this society. Islam wants to make you decent whilst what’s around us invites us to indecency.

We need to take inspiration from Islam alone which talks about family, marriage, respect, honouring our women as sisters, mothers and wives.

If you’re feelin the pinch, get yourself on the market for marriage. Simple! Do it the right way like Islam taught us and live a good life.

Any other games – It’s just not worth it!


  1. Why don’t we as muslims join together and instead of fighting politicians who are going to be against us anyway, focus on what is going wrong with our youth!!

    These men who committed these atrocious crimes did them of thier own accord!!! Not because some tv programme or media influenced them to. I grew up in this same environment as did many others and none of us would even consider committing such an act!!!! I hate the fact that when things like this happen instead of admitting there is a problem within the community we get defensive and dont acccept it or say well you did this you did that.

    These man acted on thier own accord, they have humble homes and begginings with wives and children! Maybe you should spend more time focussing on sorting our own muslims and community out rather than fighting with those who make stupid comments. If none of what they said is real, it should not bother you and you would not need to justify it, If you did choose to justify it, it would be with more basis than this article!! Go to Rochdale, in the most asian area you find prostitues hanging around the vicinity of the local mosque! Thier main clients being pakistani muslim men.

    • majedsblog says:

      The article clearly highlights that the problems are being acknowledged and thats why at this event over 50 young people people turned out to this Weekly event. I am unsure of whre you have got this idea that Youth are not being addressed or tackled. This talk was delivered to youth after a long campiagn of “Street Dawah!”, andgoing into the hard to get areas in Rochdale.

      The article also clearly highlights how we want the yout to move forward and recitfy thises issues. And this is through strenghtening their Deen

  2. Polotics are the epitome of evil!!! All it is about is greed and power!!! Represent anything you like those at the top will only ever be concerned with that.
    This article highlights blame, and that too onto the TV. I do not deny some things are being done but not enough because people are too entralled in politics!!!!! 50 people turning upto an event, although as good as that is, its not enough. I know of people who go to events, attend the mosque on a daily basis but are involved with illegal activities on the side. The message is not getting to the people! You yourself highlighted in a previous article about Pakistan how we need good leaders in order for the people to be able to lead themselves well. Where are the leaders? Where are the role models? The realistic figures young kids can look up to and not go down the same path as those before them are.
    Ignoring the questions and trying to place blame into the western world is not the answer. There are plenty of people who have gone to uni, work, and have experienced a haraam environment who have come out better. Who have remembered thier islamic values and come out for the better. The fact of the matter is we live in a western world. If there is an inappropriate programme on TV install the sense into the youth not to watch it. It’s always going to be on thier just teach them the difference between what they see and how they should act.
    Also making points by attacking individuals is wrong!! That makes you no different then the ones that attack muslims in the same manner.

    • majedsblog says:

      You have actually agreed to the very same points raised in the article. The last section was a strong emphasis on Building Islam in the youth as the correct way forward.

      Organising events is one practical way of doing Dawah and conveying Islamic ideas. Thats why there are talks up and down the country, by all organisations, weekly, as thi is effective.

      Do you have any other ideas??

  3. Brilliant post Br. Majed. I meant to read this much earlier after seeing it on Sr. Zaufishan’s blog. Indeed, there are many issues we have to face growing up in the education system in the US/West. It is unfortunate that some youth have already gone off the track in some respect when it comes to “fooling around” to put it lightly. I think we all have issues to a certain degree, myself included, whether it is the battle to lower the gaze or stay away from environments or a certain crowd that doesn’t encourage a healthy lifestyle, interaction with the opposite sex, etc.

    I am very much encouraged by what you stated in your comment above that youth are coming out to the events arranged within their community.

    Once again, great post and Jazak’Allahu Khairan for the reminders via the ahadith. Always sets one straight to hear our beloved Prophet’s words on this issue.

    Br. Anees

  4. The article above highlights the hypocrisy of the Muslim community. It’s ok for guys to sleep around with few repercussions but there’s no way the women can do it without their name being dragged through the mud and being talk of the community.

    Behaviour like this and the double standard and narrow mentality of such men make the prospect of partnering/marrying a non asian more appealing to many asian women (even those that were brought up muslim).

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